How to Travel with Friends (and still like each other after your trip!)
My darling wayfarers,
In the last post, I wrote about some of my techniques for planning a successful trip with friends. This time, I'm going to give you some key tips for actually traveling with those friends... in such a way that everyone will still like everyone else when the adventure is over.
Because, let's face it... that doesn't always happen. And when it does, it's rarely effortless.
Anyway, not to brag, but my last trip with these fantastic ladies (shown above in Oslo, Norway) was splendid.... so read on to discover our amazing secrets! ;)
For the record, all my tips are basically going to boil down to two things:
1.) Be a good friend.
2.) Communicate clearly and often.
None of this is magic, obviously. I'm sure you've heard that advice before.
However, as this is a "How-To" piece, I'm going to dive into the nitty gritty so you will have a clear picture of what this really looks like-- the techniques you can implement to keep the camaraderie and good feelings going, even in the tough times. Because it really is all about the details when it comes to interpersonal felicity.
So here we go. :)
Be a Good Friend
Dictionary.com defines a friend as "someone who gives assistance and support; a person who is attached to another by feelings of affection and personal regard."
That's great and all, but I really like the description of what a friend does, as found in the book of Proverbs (17:17): "A friend loves at all times."
While love includes affection and respect, it's also a very practical thing. We tend to be able to tell if (or how much) someone loves us (or not) by how they treat us and act around us, especially in difficult circumstances when they are under stress... or when we are being not-so-loveable.
And let me tell you: if you are human, both of those scenarios will come into play on your trip.
So, how do we act like good, loving friends?
Be considerate.
Unless your friend is a clone of you or something, you will have different preferences. The large ones (such as what sort of things you want to do on the trip) will have been sorted out beforehand if you followed the advice in my first post. However, there will be lots of small stuff that you will need to decide on while you are on the move.
For instance, on my last trip to Europe, my friends and I frequently ran out of time and/or energy to do things-- we'd have one last day in a particular city, and it would be almost time for museums and whatnot to close down, but there would still be sites on our lists that we had been planning on visiting that day. We had to make quick, wise decisions about how to use our limited time, and what things to drop from our plans... and we didn't always want to skip the same things.
The only reason we were able to agree on what to leave out was because we talked about it honestly-- let the others know what we wanted to do-- and then we worked out the solution that was best for everyone. It often involved sacrifice on someone's part... but when I knew what my friends were hoping for (or needed), I was able to consider them and treat them with love.
When everyone is doing this for everyone else, there is nothing that will make your trip smoother... or your company more enjoyable!
Another way to be a good friend? Show them that you understand them. Show them that you are trying to make them happy and increase their pleasure from your interactions by figuring out how they work.
This is how friendships grow, after all-- we don't tend to stick around people who toss our personal preferences to the wind! Imagine a person who knows an acquaintance that doesn't like to be touched, but continues to hug and touch them anyway... that person is going to drive this acquaintance away very quickly, simply because interacting with them is uncomfortable... probably for both people.
It's the little examples of understanding that make a person feel cared for. Will they notice your consideration every time? Perhaps not. But they will know that you care for them by your understanding, and if they are a good friend, they will endeavor to return the favor.
Pro-Tip
Let's get travel-specific. Here are some questions to help start your journey to know your friends on a deeper level:
Here's an example from my own experience: find out if your travel-buddy is a morning person or not. I asked my pals about this, and found out that one of my friends in particular was super groggy in the mornings and needed a fair amount of time to be able to interact. She needed some personal space until her mind woke up, and I learned to help by not engaging her with chatter and plans right away. Did I always get it right? Nope! We had some awkward interactions... but it was okay, because we both realized our mistakes and got over our conflicting feelings like big girls!
(P.S. How to adjust to this particular thing? Simply watch for their signals that they are ready to start planning the day's adventures instead of bombarding them with ideas when you are ready. Let them initiate.)
How to understand them on an even deeper level? Take some of those personality-typing quizzes.
It may sound a little silly to some people, but while we were preparing for our trip, Emily, Jane, Hannah, Karisa, and I all shared our test results for a Myers-Briggs type test. I'll spare you the details, but I learned a bunch about my friends-- once I had their types (and knew how accurate they thought it was), I could look up how they liked to process things, how their type tended to react to stress, etc.
Armed with this information, I could understand how to take care of them, how they would prefer to handle disagreements, what kind of things made them feel cared for... useful stuff. I could sort of "get inside their head," if you will.
Let me tell you, I felt so prepared for a trip with my friends after talking those things over with them.
(And if you haven't already guessed, my personality type REALLY likes to be prepared and to take care of people. For you MBTI nerds, I'm an ESFJ.)
Okay. Thanks for bearing with me, here.
I know this post feels like it has gone on f o r e v e r but I have some final thoughts that need to be said, because I would feel guilty if I didn't say them and you had a terrible trip because of it!
Hear this, loud and clear:
Being a good, considerate friend doesn't mean being a doormat.
I used to think that it did, and got myself in a lot of trouble because of it. I started to think that I couldn't have any desires of my own, and that I needed to defer to my travel partner all the time unless I had an actual need (food, a bathroom break, etc.).
That's not what I'm promoting here.
What I am promoting is this: that you and your friends have a spirit of generosity and openness with one another, that everyone enjoy taking opportunities to make the others happy. When everyone is looking out for each other this way, everyone wins. Sacrifices are made occasionally, but they tend to be made fairly evenly... when everyone is trying to act this way.
Obviously, because this takes cooperation from your travel buddy, there is the potential that they will not behave in this way, and you will feel stuck in a one-sided friendship where you are trying to make yourself pleasant to someone without reciprocation on their part. Sometimes, YOU may be that person.
For this reason, I want to caution you to be wise when you pick a travel buddy. But I also want to remind you that you are only responsible for yourself-- for how you behave. For how you treat them. For how you react to their actions.
That is all on you. And you can do it right.
[Well, I need Jesus in order to actually do it right, but I won't go into that here. Feel free to comment if you have questions about that bit. :) ]
My main point here is that, when both parties approach one another with patience, understanding, and a positive perspective (not to mention a solid dash of humor and humility!), your trip will be fantastic, and you will have lifelong friends.
In the last post, I wrote about some of my techniques for planning a successful trip with friends. This time, I'm going to give you some key tips for actually traveling with those friends... in such a way that everyone will still like everyone else when the adventure is over.
Because, let's face it... that doesn't always happen. And when it does, it's rarely effortless.
Anyway, not to brag, but my last trip with these fantastic ladies (shown above in Oslo, Norway) was splendid.... so read on to discover our amazing secrets! ;)
For the record, all my tips are basically going to boil down to two things:
1.) Be a good friend.
2.) Communicate clearly and often.
None of this is magic, obviously. I'm sure you've heard that advice before.
However, as this is a "How-To" piece, I'm going to dive into the nitty gritty so you will have a clear picture of what this really looks like-- the techniques you can implement to keep the camaraderie and good feelings going, even in the tough times. Because it really is all about the details when it comes to interpersonal felicity.
So here we go. :)
Be a Good Friend
Dictionary.com defines a friend as "someone who gives assistance and support; a person who is attached to another by feelings of affection and personal regard."
That's great and all, but I really like the description of what a friend does, as found in the book of Proverbs (17:17): "A friend loves at all times."
While love includes affection and respect, it's also a very practical thing. We tend to be able to tell if (or how much) someone loves us (or not) by how they treat us and act around us, especially in difficult circumstances when they are under stress... or when we are being not-so-loveable.
And let me tell you: if you are human, both of those scenarios will come into play on your trip.
So, how do we act like good, loving friends?
Be considerate.
Unless your friend is a clone of you or something, you will have different preferences. The large ones (such as what sort of things you want to do on the trip) will have been sorted out beforehand if you followed the advice in my first post. However, there will be lots of small stuff that you will need to decide on while you are on the move.
For instance, on my last trip to Europe, my friends and I frequently ran out of time and/or energy to do things-- we'd have one last day in a particular city, and it would be almost time for museums and whatnot to close down, but there would still be sites on our lists that we had been planning on visiting that day. We had to make quick, wise decisions about how to use our limited time, and what things to drop from our plans... and we didn't always want to skip the same things.
The only reason we were able to agree on what to leave out was because we talked about it honestly-- let the others know what we wanted to do-- and then we worked out the solution that was best for everyone. It often involved sacrifice on someone's part... but when I knew what my friends were hoping for (or needed), I was able to consider them and treat them with love.
When everyone is doing this for everyone else, there is nothing that will make your trip smoother... or your company more enjoyable!
Another way to be a good friend? Show them that you understand them. Show them that you are trying to make them happy and increase their pleasure from your interactions by figuring out how they work.
This is how friendships grow, after all-- we don't tend to stick around people who toss our personal preferences to the wind! Imagine a person who knows an acquaintance that doesn't like to be touched, but continues to hug and touch them anyway... that person is going to drive this acquaintance away very quickly, simply because interacting with them is uncomfortable... probably for both people.
It's the little examples of understanding that make a person feel cared for. Will they notice your consideration every time? Perhaps not. But they will know that you care for them by your understanding, and if they are a good friend, they will endeavor to return the favor.
Pro-Tip
Let's get travel-specific. Here are some questions to help start your journey to know your friends on a deeper level:
- How does your friend handle conflict? Do they retreat inside themselves until they calm down and have enough control/perspective to talk about the problem? Do they like to confront the issue right away, to clear things up immediately? Are they a bit of a bulldozer? (Also think about how YOU handle conflict! Do you handle arguments differently than your friend? Do you have difficulty making your feelings known?)
- Does your friend have any pet peeves? Are they things that you do? How do they react to them?
- Does your friend snore? Sing in their sleep? If that will bother you, you are now prepared to bring earplugs and enjoy your rest.
- What comforts your friend? Sometimes, people need a hug. Or they don't want a hug. Maybe they need a silly meme instead. But how will you know if you don't ask?
- Does your friend get moody when they are hungry? Commonly known as "hangry" (hungry + angry), travel-buddies with this condition need to eat regularly and often to ensure that their blood sugar stays in the right place. This prevents unnatural grumpiness and promotes a more peaceful experience for everyone. ;)
- How does your friend want you to react if they start crying? Yep, on a trip full of girls that cry a lot (often for no reason that we can figure out), tears are probably a given. Tears of joy, tears of anger, annoyance, pain... whatever. My friends and I talked about it, and all of us agreed that if any of us started to cry for any reason, no one was to mention it and things were to continue as if it was not happening. 😂 That way, we could get our emotional acts together and move on without having a total breakdown. It was a beautiful consensus. I am so glad we talked about that.
The questions you can ask are endless. Decide what is important to you, and try to find out what is important to them.
Here's an example from my own experience: find out if your travel-buddy is a morning person or not. I asked my pals about this, and found out that one of my friends in particular was super groggy in the mornings and needed a fair amount of time to be able to interact. She needed some personal space until her mind woke up, and I learned to help by not engaging her with chatter and plans right away. Did I always get it right? Nope! We had some awkward interactions... but it was okay, because we both realized our mistakes and got over our conflicting feelings like big girls!
(P.S. How to adjust to this particular thing? Simply watch for their signals that they are ready to start planning the day's adventures instead of bombarding them with ideas when you are ready. Let them initiate.)
How to understand them on an even deeper level? Take some of those personality-typing quizzes.
It may sound a little silly to some people, but while we were preparing for our trip, Emily, Jane, Hannah, Karisa, and I all shared our test results for a Myers-Briggs type test. I'll spare you the details, but I learned a bunch about my friends-- once I had their types (and knew how accurate they thought it was), I could look up how they liked to process things, how their type tended to react to stress, etc.
Armed with this information, I could understand how to take care of them, how they would prefer to handle disagreements, what kind of things made them feel cared for... useful stuff. I could sort of "get inside their head," if you will.
Let me tell you, I felt so prepared for a trip with my friends after talking those things over with them.
(And if you haven't already guessed, my personality type REALLY likes to be prepared and to take care of people. For you MBTI nerds, I'm an ESFJ.)
Okay, that was a long point. Let's move on to number two.
Communicate with Your Friends
Talk about things. Share your thoughts, get theirs, and open a dialogue about how you want to handle any problems while on your trip. Tell them what you are worried about as well as what you are excited for. Then, when the problems come, everyone knows the best way to proceed with minimal hurt feelings, and you can get the maximum amount of enjoyment from your travels... and your company. :)
Now, to help you stay in sync with one another when you are on your trip, try to put these three things into practice:
1.) Establish an open-communication policy-- let your group be a safe place to voice feelings, thoughts, and concerns. (This includes not putting people down, acknowledging that it's okay for them to feel the way they do, and trying not to be defensive when you hear things you don't want to hear.)
It's key for these things to be brought up as they arise... not after they've been bottled up and formed a toxic cocktail of passive-aggressive behavior.
2.) Assume the best of your travel partners and their intentions/motivations. (You don't have to make excuses for poor behavior, just tell them you aren't a fan of it-- while believing that they weren't treating you like that on purpose!)
Now, to help you stay in sync with one another when you are on your trip, try to put these three things into practice:
1.) Establish an open-communication policy-- let your group be a safe place to voice feelings, thoughts, and concerns. (This includes not putting people down, acknowledging that it's okay for them to feel the way they do, and trying not to be defensive when you hear things you don't want to hear.)
It's key for these things to be brought up as they arise... not after they've been bottled up and formed a toxic cocktail of passive-aggressive behavior.
2.) Assume the best of your travel partners and their intentions/motivations. (You don't have to make excuses for poor behavior, just tell them you aren't a fan of it-- while believing that they weren't treating you like that on purpose!)
3.) When conflicts arise and feelings are hurt, talk about it and be willing to forgive your friends-- for things they've actually done wrong. Be willing to see where YOU are the problem, squelch your pride, and get over yourself. Don't take everything personally. It's not always about you. (I know that hurts, but it's the truth, and we need to apply it.)
Okay. Thanks for bearing with me, here.
I know this post feels like it has gone on f o r e v e r but I have some final thoughts that need to be said, because I would feel guilty if I didn't say them and you had a terrible trip because of it!
Hear this, loud and clear:
Being a good, considerate friend doesn't mean being a doormat.
I used to think that it did, and got myself in a lot of trouble because of it. I started to think that I couldn't have any desires of my own, and that I needed to defer to my travel partner all the time unless I had an actual need (food, a bathroom break, etc.).
That's not what I'm promoting here.
What I am promoting is this: that you and your friends have a spirit of generosity and openness with one another, that everyone enjoy taking opportunities to make the others happy. When everyone is looking out for each other this way, everyone wins. Sacrifices are made occasionally, but they tend to be made fairly evenly... when everyone is trying to act this way.
Obviously, because this takes cooperation from your travel buddy, there is the potential that they will not behave in this way, and you will feel stuck in a one-sided friendship where you are trying to make yourself pleasant to someone without reciprocation on their part. Sometimes, YOU may be that person.
For this reason, I want to caution you to be wise when you pick a travel buddy. But I also want to remind you that you are only responsible for yourself-- for how you behave. For how you treat them. For how you react to their actions.
That is all on you. And you can do it right.
[Well, I need Jesus in order to actually do it right, but I won't go into that here. Feel free to comment if you have questions about that bit. :) ]
My main point here is that, when both parties approach one another with patience, understanding, and a positive perspective (not to mention a solid dash of humor and humility!), your trip will be fantastic, and you will have lifelong friends.
So go enjoy that trip.
=)
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